With another year
vanishing (literally) into the blizzard of time, Theatremonkey once
more mounts the podium to hand out its, gulp, Ninth
random selection of items that even Ebay decided it could do
without…
A shorter list this year than in previous ones, but the recipients
are no less deserving. Do remember that “readers' awards”
suggestions for 2010 are most welcome any time –
contact us.
And so to the 2009 “Goodmonkey Awards”: Monkey awards first:
A Monopoly set (for best use of a top hat): to “Hello Dolly”
at Regent’s Park Open Air Theatre. Inspired use of dry ice in the
brim created the best on-stage train effect since the “Skimbleshanks”
sequence in “Cats.”
The Star Strangled Mylar Banner: to Gerard Alessandrini and
the cast of “Forbidden Broadway Goes To Rehab” – the funniest CD
release of the year by far. “See Me on a Monday” and “All That Chat”
are particular highlights… and rather too close to the truth for
comfort.
The Thora Hird Memorial Plaque (for Access): to Max
Weitzenhoffer and Nica Burns for introducing “stair climbers” at
their Duchess and Vaudeville venues. Thus the duo neatly solve the
problems of narrow staircases and poor access for wheelchair users.
Well done!
The Daily Sport Award (for inexplicable news communications, or
not): to the Really Useful Group for not making the “Love Never
Dies” / “Phantom of the Opera 2” announcement on the 7th May as
everybody had predicted. Concurrently, a bottle of Perrier (in
lieu of the actual Perrier Comedy Award) to Andrew Lloyd Webber
himself for very decent joke delivery at the press launch (when it
finally happened) in October. If the ‘day job’ ever ends…
A set of bathroom scales: to the “Tenor Ladies.” At their
25th September 2009 show, they offered a special 50% discount to
anybody over 18 stone… and the promise of free cake to help others
achieve it. Marketers at Dewynters and AKA could maybe learn
something? Or perhaps not…
The Wooden Heart: to the marketing genius at “Legally Blonde”
who decreed that all £62.50 seats on the evening of the 13th
February and the afternoon of 14th February 2010 should be £85 each.
Even with a free glass of champagne, this latest extension of the
“premium seat” idea seems a little harsh on younger couples in
particular. Concurrently, a shriek of “Oh My God” for asking
for £6 per programme at all performances.
A Burj Khalifa sized Shoehorn: to Delfont-Mackintosh Theatres
for managing to add a row to the front of the Queen's Theatre upper
circle. It has to be a first – extra rows at the back, filling in
the aisles, even an extra row boarding over the orchestra pit? All
been done before… Yup, the monkey has to hand it to them, it’s
probably a first.
Readers' Awards:
The William Heath Robinson Mousetrap: to the man observed
acting ingeniously in the front row of Regent’s Park Open Air
Theatre. Noting the grating in front of his seat, he apparently
stuck a long umbrella into it, forming an unlikely hook for his
jacket. Sadly, the jacket reportedly still dragged on the ground
anyway…
The Trevor Nunn Beard (for most inventive
suggested use of a cast member): to 'Live Nation,' the previous
owners of the Apollo Victoria Theatre. A reader offers the following
advice: “They are quite happy to charge full price for “Wicked”
tickets, but not even spend a couple of quid on an oil can to stop
the squeaks on the seats. I mean, if push come to shove, they could
ask the Tin Man - I'm sure he'd help as one day he will be put off
his performance…”
A “Fantastic, Fantastic, Fantastic” Cheer:
to John Barrowman and the cast of “La Cage Aux Folles” for their
original fundraising effort for “Children In Need” in the foyer of
the Playhouse Theatre. A reader explains, “The Cagelles and John
(and sometimes Simon) stood in the foyer after shows shaking Pudsey
buckets. John shamelessly demanded £20 notes - and the reward was
that audience members could then have a photo taken with him. I was
there one matinee when he did it, and of course I had a little
camera with me. I handed my camera to the theatre manager, JB put
his arms round me, smile and click.”
In conclusion: the summary of the year. Certainly one
in which many popular myths have been debunked: global warming, the
collapse of banking civilisation as we knew it, that social housing
is not available to the ducks of Government ministers, and that
theatres would close down due to recession. In fact, it was this
last that prompts the monkey to declare 2009 as “The Year Of The
Sliver.” Last year, the emphasis was on producers squeezing out of
the public whatever they could get. This year, it’s been about
refining the process. Tiny extra things, almost imperceptible, that
might help them keep going until tax-free bonuses re-emerge.
Price increases have been kept small, with many frozen at levels set
as far back as 2007. The VAT tax reduction has helped too, by giving
some producers an extra income without them troubling us ticket
buyers’ wallets.
One oddity was the change in box office telephone numbers. Just as
0870 numbers began to be included in many customers' dialling
packages, box offices switched to 0871 and 0844 ones… which
mysteriously are more expensive to dial, and are not packaged
either. Ever more venues also suddenly found “restoration fees” were
an absolute 'must do' addition to the bill.
More acceptable, more venues took a look at the times outside
regular performance schedules. Sundays, late nights and odd empty
weeks were filled by low-cost shows. Though a few were less than
busy, at least they kept a few folk in work.
With 2010 looking brighter – some strong plays and musicals
happening, and once more a waiting list of productions wishing to
“come into” the West End, the monkey hopes that the squeeze will be
relaxed as the year passes, and commends this thought to the house.
As ever, it wishes all readers “Happy Theatregoing” and declares the
ceremony ended for another year.
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